Midnight Rambling

its past midnight already and I am still awake. I am currently watching a Korean Drama 'Master's Sun'. I dont really watch Korean Dramas, not because they are not good. they are good, far much better than Indonesian Sinetrons even. I was once hoping that i could work with them, making Drama over there. its far fetch, i know, but I find their work ethic and their creativity amazing. the only reason why i dont really watch Korean Drama, only because i will easily get carried away by the story. I will be easily falling in love with the characters and ends up getting into their story. and i really hate that because I think I will never have happy endings like the characters in those Korean Drama. I have written earlier in my other post, that I never have a good luck with love. I either falling for a guy who never love me back or finding a guy who is not the right man for me. I always thinks that my family is cursed. my grandma was married three times, twice divorced and she was left by the last one - by the way, the last one is my mom's father and he is still alive and kicking, known for being a great womanizer with many wives, something i am not proud of -. and my mom, well, what can i say. she had problems with my father, he left us twice, no news, nothing. first was around two years, I was in elementary school, back then, fifth grader, and yes it was painful to see my mother struggle to fend for the entire family while my father stays in Jakarta, doing nothing for the whole one year. I needed to be the grown up one in such a young age, i didnt want my mother to be burdened as she already had her hands full. my father eventually returned and finally got a job and we did have a good life for the next three or four years. but then, the same thing happens again. he went to Bali and somehow decided that he didnt want to go home. I couldnt understand the reason and i was so angry at him. again, he returned home and this time, my mom gave him strict warning. I watched everything that happened in my family, that's why I think some of the women in my family are cursed. maybe I am included because I never get happy endings, if it comes to love. not even now. I dont know what am i doing right now. I often thinking about walking away, from everything. I feel like I am carrying a huge burden on my back. and its so heavy that probably the only way to get it lifted up is by leaving this world. But I promised my late brother that i will never end my own life no matter how hard my problem is - I swear i am going to cry now, it always happens whenever i remember about my late brother -. Yup, my problem is both good and heavy and right now i am not yet seen any way out from this problem. I know I will have to find a solution one day, it cant continue like this forever but i havent find any solution as yet. a year ago, I have a dream of leaving this country, living in a different place, meeting different people, unrecognizable. I feel like i have no where to turn to. like there's no way out. I am so afraid of being alone but I have to be alone. confusing, right? my life has been in confusion for quiet a while now. sometimes i hope i would never have to come to this city, meet these people, be here. sounds ungrateful, right. but I feel trapped, i feel I cant go anywhere. I feel i cant do anything to break free. I feel like I need to clean myself but i dont know how. well, drama is nothing but imagination. i know it because i am working in one of the companies that makes the dramas here in Indonesia. we always make the main characters have a happy ending to fulfill the audience's expectation. in real life, we may never or wont find a happy ending. all we can do is to keep moving on with our lives, doing what we can do best, makes everybody else happy in a hope that we can be happy too, its a way of us praying for happiness to come to us too. will happiness come to me? I dont know... I just cant guess...