Just A Note About Myself

It's been a long while since the last time I wrote something here. Things happened but not much has changed in my life. People still asking me, why do I hate commitment? Why do I stay where I am right now? Why don't I take risk and go out of the box, leave my comfort zone, stay where I am. Honestly, I am scared. Scared of what might happen if I step out from my comfort zone. life has been so hard on me and despite all that, I am grateful that I made out of it alive. There are times when I thought I might kill myself, living in a 7 floors building with an easy access to the emergency staircase and leaped off from the top of this building. I've been living here in the past 11 years so there were so many chance to do that but I didnt do it. my mom lost two of her children, my younger sister's twin were stillborn and my brother died two months after he turned 22. I can see that she's still grieving about what happened to my brother. she often said, parent shouldn't outlive their child.I dont want her to suffer the same thing again if I die, she will be blaming herself if i die of suicide. i have to keep living, this is what i believe. despite the hardship and everything that i have to go through, i have to keep living. I went through the worst thing in my life, I cried so much myself, days and nights. I have to keep living. that's what i have in mind all the time. But then, I dont seem to see anything ahead. I just go with the flow, I dont want to burden myself with anything uncertain. I've been dissapointed so many times that I am affraid of putting hopes on anything. My life is pathetic, that's what I sometimes feel. I spent my youth working hard to pay off my parent's debt. My mom often said in the past, she did everything for me and my siblings, even if she has to shamelessly borrowed money from everyone, she would do that to put food on our table and for our study. My father didnt care much back then, he often dissapeared at times. leaving me and my siblings wonder if we ever have father anyway. he was there but he wasnt really there. we were barely see his face growing up. and he is more fond of one of my younger sisters, she came first more than anyone else and she's still his favorite until now. The reason is, she grew up with her dead twin sister in my mom's belly. I was the eldest daughter, used to shoulder everything myself, has no one to turn to, no one to share my pain and happiness, too busy taking care of my siblings when I grew up. And now, almost in my 40, I realize, I haven't been taking care of myself all this time. I didnt finish my college degree. left it just two semester to the final assignment. That's because I saw a chance to change my family's financial condition, getting a job to finally pay off my mother's mounting debts. Thinking that I would finally able to help her, ease her mind a bit. But the first couple of months I came to this town, I was surrounded by people who were there only to take advantage of me, shiphoning off my money or whatever I had left after sharing it with my family. Some of them forgot their debts, some more just pretended they dont know me. I still remember that night, stormy day, I was in high fever, lying on a thin mattress in a rented room with a leaking roof. I could barely get myself up to go and get medicine for myself. That was the first time I cried, broke down, felt alone and abandoned. It was like no one cared. You are alone in your worst of time. no one there to help you. no one but yourself. I got through it somehow, I didnt know how. probably the cold weather that afternoon brought my fever down. I didnt know and I think I would never know why. Ever since then, I learned to put boundaries. I moved out from that shabby rented room, find a better place and live a more comfortable life. I tried not to remember those who scammmed me, tricked me out of my money. Those who only there to take advantage of me. and I managed to prevail, walked away from those people. I dont care even if they insulted me and called me names behind my back. I knew the kind of people they are and I learned my lesson. There were times when I felt like crying, seeing my peers and others my age already build family, realizing that I am lonely at times, doesnt know where to go. I cried, I cried alot... but thats how I let my feeling go, because after that, I felt a huge relief inside of me. it's like everything that stiffling me inside, just got flushed down by those tears. It's okay to cry, that's what I tell myself. I have no one to share my stories with, I barely have friends I can trust with my secret, so crying is the risk i take for trusting myself. The cry is myself wiping off the sweat for carrying so much burden behind my back. I am still alone, not married. I may never married, as in my big family, there are always one or two of my relatives who stayed unmarried until they died. And they were fine with it, they took care of themselves good and I am sure I can be like them. I learn not to rely on others, I am tired of dissapointment, and I am being realistic, to the fact that most people cant keep up with their words. I wrote this in the span of couple of days. So the words and thoughts I put here changed because my emotions were also changed during those days. Aside from crying my hearts out (just like what I did in the morning before I continued writing this), writing is my other way to unplug whatever i have that suffocating me, compressing my chest and make me hard to breathe. I will continue to write down something here, if time allows me... as we never know when our time will end... best of luck... 1st to 3rd February, 2022